A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that –
you have to be single and
you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Steve and I’m going to a Halloween party!
A Cabbie Picks Up A Nun
A Soldier Approached A Nun
A soldier approached a nun
Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt.
I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed…
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
“Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
“I can’t thank you enough, sister.
You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.
” The nun said, “I understand completely.
” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls….
I don’t want to go to Syria either.”
The Wife Checked Her Husband’s Phone
The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:
‘The tender one’
‘The amazing one’
‘Lady of my dreams,
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as
‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’
A Woman Walks Into A Pharmacy One Day
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist,
“I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”
The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you,
I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him.
He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”
A Woman Walks Into A Pharmacy One Day
A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist,
“I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”
The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you,
I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”
The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him.
He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”
A Woman Hide Under Bed To Check Her Husband
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,
decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.
Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.
“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes
she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.
A Mother Had Three Virgin Daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson&Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: “Extra Long King Size.” She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing.
Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline.
The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” (Mom fainted)
A Nun And A Priest Crossing Sahara Desert On Camel
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
“Well sister, this looks pretty grim.”
“I know, father.” “In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”
“I agree.” “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?”
“Anything father.”
“I have never seen a woman’s front beauty and I was wondering if I might see yours.”
“Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.”
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight, commenting frequently on their beauty.
“Sister would you mind if I touched them?”
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
“Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes sister?”
“I have never seen a man’s manhood. Could I see yours?”
“I supposed that would be OK,” the priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh father, may I touch it?”
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting his all manhood on the hand.
“Sister, you know that if I insert my manhood in the right place, it can give life.”
“Is that true father?” “Yes it is, sister.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camel’s a*s and lets get the hell out of here.”
A Boy Comes Back From School
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.
“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.
His mother asked, “What was the question?”
“Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”
She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far.
The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
Bubba The Old Redneck From Georgia Decides To Travel
Bubba the old Redneck from Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see God’s country.
When he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay.
But first, he must find a job:
Bubba walks into an international paper company office and fills out an application as an experienced log inspector.
It’s his lucky day!
They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree.
“See that tree over there, I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains.”
Bubba the redneck promptly answers.
“That there’s white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”
The foreman is impressed! He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road.
He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question.
This time, it’s a bigger tree of a different class.
Bubba replies. “That’s a loblolly pine and she’s got about 456 clear board feet.”
The foreman is really impressed with the good ol’ boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator!
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again.
This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says. “And what about that one?”
Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Bubba says.
“White oak, 242 board feet at best.”
The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is.
As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks Bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him.
“See that tree over there?” “I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree!”
The foreman thinks to himself.
“Idiot, how would he know which is the front of the tree?”
When Bubba reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground.
He then reaches up and places a big white ‘X’ on the trunk.
He walks back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. “That there’s the front,” Bubba says.
The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically.
“How in the hell do you know that’s the front of the tree?”
The good ol’ boy looks down at his feet while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies.
“Cuz somebody took a s**t behind it.”
Needless to say, he got the job and started the very same day…